Switcheroo
by PrussianKnight9
Summary: Team Asuma's mission to recapture the Immortal Akatsuki is scrapped when Ino's attempt at her new jutsu fails. But this results in something strange: Hidan and Kakuzu have woken up in each other's bodies. Until they can reverse this unfortunate mishap, they must learn to adapt to their new environment. But some things are easier said than done.
1. Chapter 1

**I don't know what this is. I know I'm in no position to be working on other stories right now, but hey, just a silly idea that I've always wanted to try out! So yeah. Slight crack, nothing serious here, written purely for fun and giggles; I didn't bother with going much into depth about anything. This won't be a long story. Enjoy!**

* * *

Thick plumes of acrid, black smoke billowed around his field of vision.

"Hidan, above you!"

The sound of his partner's voice reached him just in time for him to see the flash of metal. He jerked his head away, the blade missing him by mere inches.

But dodging had been a mistake. The tags remained dormant, and each second that passed by felt like an age.

...

"We've been had."

Hidan snarled as the infuriatingly familiar sensation of the shadow technique washed over him. He could barely twitch his fingers and toes, let alone reach out for his weapon. "Fuck!" he roared. "What the hell happened, Kakuzu!? You can't just go and get caught too, you asshole!"

"Shut your mouth," Kakuzu growled somewhere from his left. "I've had it with your nonsense."

"Oh, you think _I'm_ responsible for this bullshit situation when we're _both_ tangled up in this mess?"

"Victory was never yours to begin with," said the Shadow kid from ahead, approaching them with an easy step. "You will be paying your prices today." And then—

"Get out of the way! I've got this!" The unexpected shout of a female voice threw them all off guard. In the far distance, the rest of the Shadow kid's team had emerged from their hiding places. Even from his poor angle, Hidan could see that the girl was signing something.

"Wait!" He heard the large one exclaiming frantically. "You said before that this Soul Switch Jutsu isn't complete yet!"

"I can do it! Let me try, Chouji, please!"

The Shadow kid, who was about to open his mouth probably to spew more revenge bullshit for his dead teacher, went visibly ashen as he heard this. "Ino, _stop!_ " he yelled, abandoning the Akatsuki members at once to sprint towards his team. _"STOP!_ They're too close to each other! It's d—"

Hidan failed to hear the rest of that sentence, because a rush of distorted air from the girl's final seal slammed into his chest at a frightening speed. Suddenly it felt like his lungs had simply vanished and he had no other means to breathe.

He seized up, eyes bulging in surprise. Also gone was his ability to speak, because he would have screamed if he could. Overwhelming pressure was building up inside his chest, and something was buzzing and ringing within his head with a maddening intensity. His vision undulated, and the vertigo sickened and exhausted him. This was it; he knew he wouldn't be able to stay conscious for more than a few seconds from now. The effects of the shadow binding had suddenly vanished, leaving Hidan to crumple to the ground and twitch.

The last he ever saw were the tiny figures of the Leaf brats in the distance, struggling to hold up a limp, unmoving figure with long, swaying blonde hair.

Then there was nothing.

~*o*~

The first thing Hidan woke up to was a skull-splitting headache that rivaled being trampled by a thousand Tailed Beasts. Every movement felt like a thousand pins and needles assaulting his muscles, and his eyes burned like he'd just had a staring contest with the fucking sun. Hidan uttered a single groan, the sound unable to convey the true extent of the misery he was experiencing at the moment.

He wondered if he'd gone half-blind too, because most of his field of view was blocked by hundreds of thin, dark strands. Funny thing was, if he blew at them they fluttered away, like hair. Like it was actually there and not a result of some permanent optical damage.

Hidan tried to roll onto his back, and convulsed when white hot agony shot through his temple.

" _Ohh_ ," came Kakuzu's pained, rumbling voice, " _fuck me..."_

Had he been in the right condition, Hidan would have shat himself.

The Jashinist swore that _he_ was the one who had just spoken. But then why was Kakuzu...?

His heart thundered in his ears, and shit; was it his nerves? The rush of blood sounded particularly loud to him for some reason, almost to the point where he thought he might be on the brink of heart attack. But there was no squeezing sensation in his chest, so that probably wasn't it.

Everything about the way he was, felt... wrong. Like he was himself, but not at the same time. The way his neck muscles stretched when he turned his head, the width of his shoulders, his center of mass—hell, even the way his teeth were positioned inside his mouth.

Something was clearly off.

In a sudden bout of panic, Hidan scrambled to stand on two feet, migraine be damned. But his legs did a funny thing then, almost as if they couldn't remember how to walk. Within a few seconds he was back on the ground, grunting at the impact.

Fucking hell, that _really_ sounded like...

"Hello," he tried cautiously, startling again when he heard Kakuzu's voice.

...It couldn't be.

Maybe this wasn't real. He was hallucinating, stuck somewhere between the void of dreams and the cruel depths of reality. He looked down at his hands, where his skin was tan, and he was wearing Kakuzu's ring on his left middle finger. His nails gleamed black instead of the usual teal coating.

He couldn't accept it. He refused to.

Not just yet.

Not until he really, really saw...

Shit.

Five yards away, Hidan watched with horrified awe as his own body stirred jerkily back to life. He listened as his _own voice_ muttered a few choices words. The Hidan currently clutching at his head with a pinched expression was definitely _not_ the real him. No; _he_ was over _here,_ watching his own fucking body be controlled—

The Jashinist watched in awkward silence as the not-Hidan froze with a look of sheer bemusement. It would have been hilarious to see such a ridiculous expression on his face, if not for the terrible churning in his gut.

Their eyes met—damn, who knew how creepy it felt to stare at yourself—and for a couple seconds they simply exchanged equal expressions of dumb, blank shock. It was also in that specific moment that their suspicions were finally confirmed.

For the first time, Hidan and Kakuzu shared the same, unified thought:

 _I am fucked._

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 **I'm only expecting this to be about 3 chapters long, so yeah LOL. It'll be interesting to see the two of them trying to deal with this new discovery!**

 **Like? Love? Hate? Please tell me what you think; your reviews will be greatly appreciated! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

The only way to respond to this properly was to remain calm. Although Hidan may have enjoyed adding a bit of pizazz to their complications once in a while, this was something that no amount of screaming and flailing would soothe.

"Um."

 _Starting with eloquence, Hidan; real smooth,_ he thought to himself angrily.

Kakuzu-not-Hidan continued to stare listlessly down at his palms, fingers flexing very slowly.

Hidan faltered, still unable to fully comprehend the bizarreness of hearing Kakuzu's voice coming out of his throat. He felt weirdly hollow, like one of those clay pots that broke after its first three uses. "I'm... you're—"

"I don't... understand." The Jashinist felt his stomach sinking as his heard his partner's words being spoken by his body. "How could this have happened?"

Maybe it was because it wasn't, well— _him,_ but Hidan almost thought that he'd have trouble recognizing himself if things went on like this. Everything looked exactly like what he'd seen in the mirror for the past twenty two years, yet being able to see himself as another _person_ instead of a two dimensional reflection... everything looked— _felt_ —so different.

But the pale guy slouching in his uncomfortable half-sitting position wasn't really Hidan, was he?

Hidan's body cleared his throat. A muscle twitched near his temple, exactly how he'd seen Kakuzu's brow do it so many times before.

"I don't know," the real Hidan muttered, leaning forward at the abrupt onslaught of dizziness. "I don't know. I feel—I feel really sick, oh hell—" He instinctively reached up to claw at his face, and his fingers caught the edges of the mask that was covering his nose and mouth. He ripped it down, taking deep gulps of the chilly, evening air.

He was _not_ going to vomit now. Not when he was like this.

Kakuzu would probably never forgive him.

Meanwhile, said man still appeared to be in some state of shock, and Hidan's face was frozen into a blank slate. The real Hidan in Kakuzu's body couldn't stop staring. Really; how often did one get to see themselves from another's vantage point like this?

The Jashinist had a lot of fucked up things happening in his life, but this really took the cake. He'd sort of guessed he was signing up for some crazy shit when he'd accepted this uniform, but he hadn't known the extents to which they were required to go.

All to capture some giant-ass energy rodents with too many tails.

Fortunately, the crisp breeze was refreshing and cleared his stormy head a little. While he didn't know much about the intricacies of life and fate and whatever else people liked to call it, Hidan was pretty damn sure this wasn't something that happened to people on a regular basis. They just didn't wake up inside their infinitely aggravating colleague's body and go, _man what a fucking lovely morning this is._

There was always a cause, and an effect. Whatever that happened between now, and a few hours ago, would likely be responsible.

A few hours ago, they had come across the Shadow kid and his team...

"That fucking bitch," Hidan said suddenly. The real Kakuzu finally broke out of his stupor to stare wide-eyed, undoubtedly alarmed to hear the foul words coming from his own mouth. "It was her that did all of..." He gestured half-heartedly around him, still wishing he could somehow deny this terrible reality.

"The... 'Soul Switch Jutsu'," Kakuzu quoted. He blinked rapidly in succession, as if finally coming to his senses.

"Who gives a shit what it's called," Hidan retorted. "I don't get it. She could have just knocked us out without having to waste so much energy on making _this_ happen."

"It must have gone south. Somehow, our souls have been attached to the wrong bodies."

"And they just... left us like this?"

They looked to the distance, where the Leaf brats had been lying in wait. Their chakra signals had long since dissipated. They were utterly alone.

...

"Fucking hell," he gasped after an excruciatingly long silence. "I can't handle this. I'm probably sinning really, really bad. What if I'm stuck like this forever!? Oh Lord Jashin, I'd rather _die—"_

"Shut the hell up," Kakuzu snapped. "I put up with enough of your nonsense when you look like yourself, so like hell if I'm going to listen to you raving in _my_ body."

"Like I care! This is my punishment for hanging around miserable, greedy heathens like you," Hidan snarled, feeling his anger spiking at a disorienting pace. "This is all your fucking fault!"

 _"...Excuse_ me?"

"If you hadn't been caught back then, this never would've happened! We'd have slaughtered Shadow before that bitch even got ready. But _no,_ you had to get yourself stuck too like some dumbass motherfucker!" Out of instincts and rage, Hidan lurched forward with all the means to pummel his partner. But when his fist came within mere inches from his target's nose, he faltered.

Did this mean he was attacking... himself?

No, no. Hidan shook his head in frustration. This was Kakuzu, currently inhabiting Hidan's body. He was still becoming confused. _Shit!_

"Are you done?" Kakuzu growled, looking rightfully pissed; seeing such a Kakuzu-like expression on his own face was so absurd it was almost comical. "Neither of us asked for this. I don't fancy cosplaying as a religious nutcase either, so stop your complaining for one damn second and let me think."

"What's _thinking_ going to do at this point, old man?" Hidan yelled, his voice cracking on the last word. Kakuzu's larynx clearly wasn't used to producing such a high pitch. "Look, you're like two hundred years old, you _gotta_ know some sort of act to counter this thing—"

"Of course I don't," Kakuzu shot back exasperatedly. "I never dabbled in this type of technique. And even if I had, how the hell am I supposed to reverse something that wasn't supposed to happen in the first place?"

"Then what are we supposed to do!?"

"Judging by how fast they turned tail and ran, it's safe to assume we're not the only casualties in this event..." Kakuzu sighed and pinched the bridge of his (Hidan's) nose. "Maybe if they manage to fix whatever's going on from their end, it'll help undo this... inconvenience." He distastefully eyed Hidan's Kakuzu-body from behind his hand.

"You're not seriously suggesting we depend on... on _chance_ to undo this shit?" Hidan gaped. "Do you honestly think I'm going to sit around all pretty until I wake up in my body again?"

"Then what are you suggesting?"

"Let's go after them!" Hidan exclaimed heatedly. "Let's hunt them down and force them to fix this—this—whatever this is. And if they can't help, we kill them and find someone else who can!"

"No," Kakuzu deadpanned immediately. "Do you have any idea how terrible our coordination is right now? And how do you expect us to fight the way we normally do? It's too dangerous."

Fighting normally? What the hell was this guy saying...

Oh. _Oh._

"...Jashin," Hidan whispered. "Does... does that mean I..."

Kakuzu frowned at the uncharacteristically stricken look that appeared just as suddenly with the Jashinist's revelation. "I wouldn't test it," he said quietly.

"You try it," Hidan said, his voice shaking slightly but he could hardly give a damn. He'd never felt colder in his entire life. "Do it, quick, use my stake."

"No."

"Why the fuck not!?" Hidan almost shrieked. "Try it, and we'll know if you have my immortality!" _Stole it,_ Hidan itched to say, but he bit his tongue on the last second. Now was not the time.

"And if I don't?" Kakuzu said darkly. "If I die in your body, what then? Can you be sure that you'll ever be able to return to yourself again?"

"How can you be so— so fucking _calm_ right now!?" Hidan shouted in near hysterics. "Why the hell are you not freaking out!? What part of this is so damn natural that you can't even _see_ that I—"

A pale hand shot out of seemingly nowhere and all but _slapped_ across Hidan's face with such force that the Jashinist barely caught himself from toppling over. Every train of thought immediately screeched to a halt. Ignoring the burst of pain in his neck, Hidan couldn't do anything except to gawk in sheer disbelief. _Did Kakuzu actually just—_

"Stop this _right now,"_ Kakuzu hissed, sounding just as livid as he appeared. "I am very well aware of the situation, make no mistake. But first you need to _calm down,_ do you hear me?"

"Yeah," Hidan replied faintly. His cheek was still stinging from the blow. "Yeah, I do."

"You are not going to solve anything by panicking like that," Kakuzu growled. "We have a problem, which we are going to fix. So for once in your damn life, _use your brain and think."_

"I don't know what else to think," Hidan breathed. "All that's coming to my head is how I must've betrayed Lord Jash—"

"We need to get back to the base," Kakuzu cut in. "In this state, we can't even answer our holographic summons; we've got to go back before they start being suspicious."

Hidan had been so busy noticing the obvious physical differences between them, that he'd completely missed the way one of his systems felt dulled and unresponsive. "No chakra?" he managed to choke out. Things were just getting better and better.

"Our souls are inhabiting the wrong bodies," Kakuzu muttered pointedly. "How compatible do you think our spiritual energies will be with a foreign physical energy? Let's move."

"What do I do now?" Hidan mumbled hoarsely at no one, gripping at his head as he clambered awkwardly to his feet. "How is this possible? Why is this happening?"

"Stop worrying about unnecessary things and learn how to walk. If it means we can back to normal again then I'd do anything to speed up the process."

Hidan found that he agreed with the older man for once, and he couldn't even bring himself to be angry about it.

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 **Talk about confusing! I hope you weren't too lost with reading that. It's hard to distinguish who's really who with words when they've swapped bodies, LOL.**

 **I'm actually not so sure how I should format this anymore. If I were to go with my original plan, then this fic would end in like 3-4 chapters, but I cut this one short because I felt the pacing would be off if I rammed too much content into this one. If I were to keep the chapters around this length then there would be more of them. Ah well, I'll figure something out!**

 **Like? Love? Hate? Please tell me what you think; your reviews will be greatly appreciated! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

From the moment they began to retrace their steps back to the Akatsuki's base, Hidan had made a decision. Such a decision was probably something he'd arrived to subconsciously since the very moment he'd woken up in this mess, but he'd take care to keep it at the forefront of his mind. As if there could be anything else that could occupy his attention with equal intensity.

He was going to get his body back, no matter what the price.

He also knew that making it extra hard on himself by chewing his nails over all sorts of horrible thoughts would not help in any way, so he pushed those out.

After all, Hidan was not one to fret over things for a long period of time.

 _Getting used to standing on two legs in someone else's body had been harder than he'd thought. Not only was the balance all wonky, but even the slightest difference in weight distribution throughout the entire physical form was throwing him off and found that he simply couldn't walk like how he always did. After a bit of practice, they managed to get going, but by the time they were on the road they barely had much light._

 _"Don't waddle, it's unbecoming," Kakuzu had growled as they'd been passing under a rare street lamp._

 _"I can't help it, you have really weird thighs," Hidan snapped back. "And it feels like I'm wearing the wrong size feet."_

 _"My feet must be bigger than yours. Walk like a normal person or I'll kill you."_

 _"And you think_ you _are!?" Hidan spluttered, while Kakuzu managed to stumble as if in brilliant cue. "Stop making me hobble like an old man!"_

 _"You're aching all over," Kakuzu grit out. "I feel like I'd just taken a direct hit from a bomb."_

 _"That's because I_ did _take a direct hit from a bomb," Hidan said, exasperated. "From that Shadow kid, remember? You used your fancy-ass, skin-hardening technique, what did_ I _have at my disposal?"_

 _Amazingly, Kakuzu didn't reply. The Jashinist was glad to be wearing this mask, because he wouldn't have been able to hide his smile otherwise._

Now, they were well on their way with few words spoken between them; Hidan had managed to reduce the 'waddling' down to a minimum, and Kakuzu stopped tripping over his own feet, although he still looked extremely uncomfortable.

It would probably be best for him to act how he normally would, because the Jashinist hated silences. Especially if they were going to be awkward and painful and frustrating.

Except he'd forgotten that acting like himself might not have exactly been... the _best_ choice to make in this particular instance.

"I can't believe I forgot how long this trip took us," Hidan was saying. "And we basically came all the way out here for nothing. We didn't even get to dig out your stupid bounty. What a waste."

"We'll come back later," Kakuzu said. "The dead aren't going anywhere. As long as the flesh doesn't decay completely, and the sash is still there, we'll still be able to get most of the money."

"That's disgusting," Hidan said, wrinkling his nose. "Everything about you is disgusting."

In the beginning, it had been extremely entertaining to watch Kakuzu continuously shift the scythe around his back, grumbling about the 'terrible weight balance between the blades and the handle'. It felt great to see him voicing so many complaints, even if he'd done it in Hidan's own voice and body.

"Stop that," Kakuzu warned when Hidan had guffawed particularly loud. "It's unsettling."

"Yeah, I'm glad I can't see my face right now. I'd probably shit myself if I ever saw you laugh like that, Kakuzu."

"Keep the mask on and I won't have to, either."

Hidan did quite the opposite and pulled it off, along with the rest of the headgear. "Why do you even wear this thing?" Long, dark hair immediately spilled over his face in a complete mess. "It's annoying to breathe in it. I feel like I'm talking into a pillow all the time."

"Put it back on."

"No can do. I'm burning up, anyway." Walking _was_ making him extremely warm. "Are there any shortcuts? This will take forever."

"There is a forest trail we can cut through in a couple of miles, but we have no light. Without any chakra it's too dangerous to be going through the woods in complete darkness."

"Then what are we gonna _do?"_ the Jashinist whined in frustration, ignoring the look of disgust that Kakuzu sent his way. "We really need to tell someone about this, or I'll go crazy!"

"Absolutely not," Kakuzu said darkly. "This isn't going to be mentioned to anyone in the Akatsuki. I am going to inform the Leader, but that will be it."

Now _that_ almost made him stop altogether. "What?" Hidan gaped. "Are— _are you fucking serious?_ Did you hear yourself just now?"

"Did I stutter?" Kakuzu snapped, clearly at his wit's end as well.

"No way! I am not going to pretend to be an old greedy bastard with the biggest log shoved up his—"

Hidan was cut off suddenly when fists tightened around the collar of his cloak, and in the dim glow of another lamp his vision was filled with his own face, currently smoldering with an anger that only the older man would've been able to express.

"Listen to me, you idiot," Kakuzu snarled, Hidan's voice twisted in barely controlled aggravation. "I'm no happier about this predicament than you are. It's just as humiliating to walk around in your flesh suit as it is watching myself flounder about like you do. Now do you want to stay low until this is figured out and we can be normal again, or do you want to cause an entire scene while we're at it?"

As Hidan was about to reply, his words suddenly died in his throat and he frowned. "Ouch," he began with a small laugh, "I get that you hate this too, but... 'humiliating'? That's a bit harsh, man. What's wrong with my body?"

"I wouldn't even know where to begin."

"...Hey, what's with all this cruelty all of a sudden? You always insulted my intelligence, but never my appearance."

"This hasn't got anything to do with the way you look," Kakuzu snarled through his teeth. He paused, visibly struggling to collect himself. The Jashinist waited until the older man slowly unraveled his fists from the cloak and took a step back. He looked significantly less murderous, but the thunder remained in his blazing, violet eyes.

Hidan finally understood that the calm, collected demeanor back at the forest of dead trees had been merely a facade. Kakuzu was just as confused and angry as he was, but had simply been better at hiding it.

"There's no reason to parade our situation to the rest of the members. It would be regrettable if they managed to figure it out—which evidently won't be difficult, going by your inability to shut the hell up—but we absolutely _cannot_ let this be discovered by any other party outside of that base."

 _Well fuck you,_ Hidan wanted to scream. _I didn't agree to any of this!_

"You're saying..." He took a deep breath. "I gotta act like _you_ now?"

There was no way he could successfully pull off a convincing Kakuzu act. There just wasn't.

"Hidan, do you understand why we can't let anyone else find out about this?" Kakuzu repeated emphatically, ignoring his question.

"Well, yeah, but—"

"We are at an extremely risky position right now. Both you and I have a reputation that will not secure anything once word gets out that we are... indisposed. It's why we will remain within the base at all times, only venturing outside if it's utterly necessary."

"Until we figure out a way to reverse this?"

"Precisely."

Hidan opened his mouth to add something, but only managed to release a shaky breath. Kakuzu's logic made a disturbing amount of sense. The Jashinist had attracted enough pests to him throughout his eventful life of servitude, and he didn't even want to _begin_ thinking of how many enemies Kakuzu would've accumulated throughout his ridiculous longevity in the black market. As they said, danger was just around every corner, and this time in a literal sense.

Arguing would only help to increase the steadily growing migraine that had suddenly announced itself at the side of his head.

"Fine," he conceded, sounding pathetic even to his ears. But like there was anything else left to say that wouldn't. "Fine, it's whatever."

Things were suddenly to appear much more severe in ways he'd never thought to imagine. Apparently, it wasn't enough to simply worry about their own, personal issues that came with this mishap. Fantastic.

Ah, well. It was going to take a while to reach the base, anyway. He'd cross the bridge once he came to it.

Suddenly, all the shadows that the night had brought with its feeble moonlit glow seemed much more sinister.

* * *

 **It appears the story _will_ end up having more chapters, though they will be short like these as a result!**

 **Like? Love? Hate? Please tell me what you think; your reviews will be greatly appreciated! :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm aware of how short the chapters are, but I am doing my best to get them up as quickly as I can! Once again, thank you for reading ^^ Enjoy!**

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Despite having been on the road for only two days, Hidan was already climbing over his limits. The sun felt particularly merciless on him the past couple days, and the thick, humid air made it feel like he was fighting his way through an overheated sauna.

While Kakuzu hadn't spoken much, one look at him told the Jashinist that the older man wasn't faring much better, either. The bridge of Kakuzu's pale nose and exposed shoulder was beginning to flush pink from sunburn, and watching his own body burning to a crisp was not a fun pastime of Hidan's. Casually, he mentioned this, while suggesting that they take a break.

Naturally, he was refused without a single moment's worth of consideration.

"We're not stopping until we get to that base," Kakuzu insisted.

"But we're days away!" Hidan protested hotly. "And there's no way I'm dealing with your shitty lectures once I've managed to dehydrate and starve your body."

Kakuzu growled in irritation, but Hidan already knew he'd won. It seemed like Kakuzu hadn't really put his heart into the argument, either, judging from the way he had conceded so quickly. They discovered a source of water and took cover under the canopies of the oaks, which unfortunately did jack shit to relieve his suffering from all this heat.

"Damn it!" Hidan cursed, popping open the last buttons of his cloak before deciding to discard it altogether. "What the hell is wrong with your body? Why are you always so fucking hot?"

Kakuzu glanced at him in disdain. "You might want to be more careful about your choice of words."

Hidan rolled his—or rather, Kakuzu's—eyes. "I _mean,_ why are you so overheated all the time? The shade isn't even doing anything; I can't imagine you'd be able to survive the summers like this."

His partner studied him with a calculative expression that Hidan's facial features had no business making. "I'm not usually as warm what you're describing right now," he said finally. "Maybe my hearts are working overtime to try and expel your fiendish soul from my body."

"Very funny," Hidan snapped, although the feeling of having five hearts thumping away crazily inside his chest was, in fact, very unsettling. He drained his water flask and stood up to refill it. "I'm sweating and I'm tired. Jashin's pants, I can't go on like this."

"We're only stopping for thirty minutes; any more and we're wasting time," Kakuzu called out, which Hidan ignored as he approached the running stream.

As he knelt on the edge of the bank, he caught sight of his reflection. His partner's scowling face peered back up at him, slightly distorted by the flowing current.

Fucking hell. He didn't think he was ever going to get used to this.

After hesitating for a long time, Hidan reached up and carefully slid a finger under one of the large stitches on his face. The threads stretched slightly to accommodate the addition.

He smirked at the thought of what he was going to do next, only to quickly school his face back to a neutral expression when he realized just how disturbing the smile looked on Kakuzu's features.

Hooking his finger around the thread, he pulled as hard as he could.

Pain all but exploded in his face, and Hidan emitted a sharp howl of surprise and agony as he cradled his cheek. He had _not_ expected it to hurt so much. Although appearing far from it, it had felt exactly like forcefully tearing out the stitching in a fresh wound, and even _he_ had the sense not to do that whenever he was sewn back together.

"What do you think you're doing?" suddenly came Hidan's own irritated voice. Twisting around, Hidan saw that Kakuzu was standing not far behind, arms crossed in a reproachful manner.

"I, uh—" The Jashinist winced. "Getting some water."

Kakuzu wordlessly closed the distance between them and ripped Hidan's hand away from his face. The older man narrowed his eyes. "You're bleeding."

"Really?" He glanced back into the stream. Blood was trickling from the hole where the thread was pierced through and pulled forcefully. "Eh, it's not that bad."

"Why are you bleeding?" Kakuzu asked, although the look in his eyes showed that he knew exactly why.

"Maybe your body doesn't like me," Hidan muttered lamely, shaking off the older man's grip and dunking his flask into the stream. "Fuck off."

To his relief and astonishment, Kakuzu didn't press it.

By the time they were ready to head out again, it was early noon. With the aid of daylight, the two men veered off the road and into the cover of the trees, where they followed the tiny mud trail that would cut their journey short by three whole days. The whole time, Hidan could feel Kakuzu's gaze on him like a piercing arrow to the back of his head.

Was it because he had made himself bleed? Did Kakuzu think he was going to start stabbing himself out of nowhere? Well, the older man could go shove his dumb paranoia somewhere else, because Hidan wasn't _that_ stupid. As much as he wanted to turn Kakuzu's hearts into mince meat, he was currently stuck to them and their deaths could very well mean his own.

Ah, yes, death. Not something he'd taken very seriously on a daily basis. And now, even with five hearts at his disposal, the red flag of mortality always clung to the corners of his mind like creep-vines from a cheap thriller novel.

If there was another good thing about taking the shortcut, it meant that they'd be passing by the same cottage-style inn that had housed them for a couple days during their trip to the Leaf. He was not going to miss out on an opportunity like this. So naturally, more arguing ensued. Hidan even fastened his headgear and mask back on for good measure, to prove that he did have some measure of self-control.

"I won't be dealing with your stupid lectures after I've managed to starve and dehydrate your body," Hidan repeated what he'd said before, after he was refused for the sixth time.

His partner didn't say anything immediately, and a muscle was jumping in Kakuzu's jaw which meant that the Jashinist had won again. Perfect, so this was the threat he could use to control his partner into doing anything. By the time they were approaching the run-down establishment, Hidan was almost running with eagerness.

The bell on the sliding doors tinkled as they entered, and a bespectacled man looked up from his unkempt desk.

"Good evening! I had not expected to see you two gentleman again," he greeted, eyeing their cloaks curiously like before.

"Change of plans," Kakuzu said without hesitation. "Two single rooms for one night."

The receptionist, who'd been looking expectantly at Hidan, jerked to face Kakuzu with slight surprise.

The Jashinist wanted to kick himself. Of course; _he_ looked like Kakuzu right now, who'd been in charge of everything last time they came here while Hidan hadn't even bothered to grace their exchanges with a glance.

He spared a quick look to his partner, who seemed to realize his mistake as well, going by his rigid stance.

"Well, of course." To the man's credit, he recovered quickly and dug out the keys from a drawer. "That'll come to four-thousand eight hundred ryo, please."

Kakuzu turned towards him with a raised eyebrow, as they both knew that Hidan rarely carried a single coin with him. It was now the Jashinist's turn to solidify; oh bloody fuck. Where did this guy keep his dough? It would definitely look suspicious if he were to dig through every one of his pockets now.

He was really beginning to regret his inattention to Kakuzu's financial dealings, and he hoped he didn't appear as flummoxed as he felt. All eyes were on him, and the pressure was fucking real. Time was ticking. _Think fast, quickly_ _—_

"Don't you dare think about it." Hidan nearly jumped at the loud volume of his own voice interrupting his frantic train of thought. "There's absolutely no way in hell I'm going to take another camping night."

Hidan stared at his partner in blank shock. What the fuck was Kakuzu going on about all of a—

Something clicked in his head. _Oh._

Kakuzu was _pretending to be Hidan_ , thus buying him more time.

He saw where this was going.

"I bought the rooms last time," he managed to utter, trying to play along as naturally as he could. "I don't like wasting money on pointless luxuries." There, that sounded close enough to something his partner would say.

Kakuzu scoffed, doing a scarily accurate impression of Hidan when he was annoyed, copying his facial expression and body language to such immaculate precision that the Jashinist felt a little afraid. "One more night here isn't going to make your right pocket any lighter," he added steadily, and Hidan sucked in a breath.

"You're an idiot," he barely heard himself saying as he shoved his hands into the corresponding pocket. To his utmost relief, his fingers snagged around the pouch among other things and he pulled it out without appearing as hasty as he felt. He counted the bills as calmly as his clumsy skills allowed, trying to shield his inexperienced fingers with the pouch. Thankfully, the receptionist didn't seem to notice anything suspicious (thank Jashin for the dull observational skills of civilians) and returned the change.

Snatching their keys off the desk surface, Hidan and Kakuzu collectively turned and power-walked into the darkened hallway, only relaxing once they've managed to turn the corner.

"Not bad," Hidan whispered once they reached their doors.

"Subtle," Kakuzu agreed, unlocking his door, slamming it shut behind him without so much as a farewell and leaving Hidan to blink rapidly in the aftermath.

Apparently not so subtle.

Well then.

* * *

 **I find it really hard to wrap up the endings to short chapters, for some reason. They're either too long and drag out forever, or too short and abrupt without much closure, and I can't find a nice in-between. Argh!**

 **Like? Love? Hate? Please tell me what you think; your reviews will be greatly appreciated! :)**


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